بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
Question: We read about secure and satisfying married life in the Book of Allah (swt) and His Prophet (saw), but in our times we observe great contradictions in the countries where we live, even among the married couple who are engaged in the da'wah work. Married couples may disagree on the choice of their home, on the issue of dealing with the parents of the groom or the bride or on the issue of visiting their relatives... and the husband's relatives who are cited as death... Each of the partners insists that it is his or her right or that it is his or her obligation, and they persist in their own opinion in the belief that each of them claims to be correct and rightful in accordance with the Shariah laws and refuses to budge from his position and make amends...
What would be the advice, especially to those who are engaged in the da'wah work?
Moreover, what is the meaning of the Ayah:
[وَأْمُرْ أَهْلَكَ بِالصَّلَاةِ وَاصْطَبِرْ عَلَيْهَا لَا نَسْأَلُكَ رِزْقًا نَحْنُ نَرْزُقُكَ وَالْعَاقِبَةُ لِلتَّقْوَى]
"And enjoin As-Salât (the prayers) on your family, and be patient in offering them [i.e. the Salât (prayers)]. We ask not of you a provision (i.e. to give Us something: money): We provide for you. And the good end (i.e. Paradise) is for the Muttaqûn (the pious). [TMQ Taha: 20: 132].
May Allah reward you.
Answer:
We are surprised and pained by your question, how can those who carry this pure and pious da'wah by the will of Allah (swt), fail in their own lives. How can their lives be muddled with hate and grudge instead of being full of compassion and honor?
Indeed married life is not a lifeless and fixed equation of 1+1=2! It is compassion and mercy, peace and tranquility, it is such people who do not understand how to fill their married lives compassionate and merciful as Allah (swt) has said:
[وَمِنْ آَيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُمْ مِنْ أَنْفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُمْ مَوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لَآَيَاتٍ لِقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ]
"And among His Signs is that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect". [TMQ Ar Rum: 21].
Such people need to learn plenty of lessons and pay heed to what they learn; also they may also need to be punished. In any case, the following are the answers:
1: Answers to all questions pertaining to marital relations are as follows:
Hadith of the Prophet (saw) for the married couples:
Aishah (r.a) narrates that the Prophet (saw) said:
«خَيْرُكُمْ خَيْرُكُمْ لِأَهْلِهِ وَأَنَا خَيْرُكُمْ لِأَهْلِي»أخرجه الترمذي وابن ماجة.
"The best among you is one who is good to his family, and I am the best of you to my family."
For the wives: Abi Hurairah (r.a) narrates from the Prophet (saw) that he said:
«لَوْ كُنْتُ آمِرًا أَحَدًا أَنْ يَسْجُدَ لِأَحَدٍ لَأَمَرْتُ الْمَرْأَةَ أَنْ تَسْجُدَ لِزَوْجِهَا»
"If I were to order any of you to prostrate before anyone, I would have ordered woman to prostrate before her husband."
This hadith is reported in Tirmidhi, while Ibn Majah also narrates a similar hadith on the authority of Sa'eed ibn Musayyib and Aisha (r.a).
I repeat that it is imperative for the married couple to be aware that marital relations are not a fixed and lifeless equation 1+1=2, rather such relations are a source of happiness and contentment as Allah (swt) has said:
[لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُمْ مَوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً]
"that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy." [TMQ Ar Rum: 21].
The wife is enjoined to be faithful to her husband and fill his heart with happiness even at the cost of her own comfort and convenience. No sane woman would ever tell her husband that I am enjoined to be faithful to you but I have no relations with your parents. This is because any sane woman would know that if she is kind to her husband's parents and deals well them, then her behavior would be a source of happiness for her husband which is her obligation...The Prophet (saw) said:
«مَا اسْتَفَادَ الْمُؤْمِنُ بَعْدَ تَقْوَى اللَّهِ خَيْرًا لَهُ مِنْ زَوْجَةٍ صَالِحَةٍ إِنْ أَمَرَهَا أَطَاعَتْهُ وَإِنْ نَظَرَ إِلَيْهَا سَرَّتْهُ وَإِنْ أَقْسَمَ عَلَيْهَا أَبَرَّتْهُ وَإِنْ غَابَ عَنْهَا نَصَحَتْهُ فِي نَفْسِهَا وَمَالِهِ» أخرجه ابن ماجه عن أبي أمامة
"After piety of Allah (swt), nothing is as fruitful for a believer more than a good wife who obeys when ordered by her husband; when he casts a glance towards her, he is filled by happiness; if he takes a oath counting on her, he justifies it; and when the husband is away, she advises him well, guards herself as well as his property."
This hadith is reported in Ibn Majah on the authority of Abi Umamah (r.a), also Abi Dawood has reported a similar hadith on the authority of Ibn Abbas (r.a).
Similarly, the husband is obligated to deal properly and fairly with his wife and improve her living, Allah (swt) said:
{وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ فَإِنْ كَرِهْتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَى أَنْ تَكْرَهُوا شَيْئًا وَيَجْعَلَ اللَّهُ فِيهِ خَيْرًا كَثِيرًا}
"and live with them honourably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing through which Allâh brings a great deal of good." [TMQ An Nisaa: 23].
The husband is enjoined to honor her right of a good life and at the same time also honour the rights of his parents which he is obligated to, but without falling short on his obligations to his wife. Allah (swt) said:
{وَقَضَى رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا}
"And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents.". [TMQ al-Israa: 23].
{وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنْسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حُسْنًا}
"And We have enjoined on man to be good and dutiful to his parents" [TMQ al-‘Ankabout: 08].
Ibn Mas'oud (r.a) said:
«سَأَلْتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قُلْتُ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ أَيُّ الْعَمَلِ أَفْضَلُ قَالَ الصَّلَاةُ عَلَى مِيقَاتِهَا قُلْتُ ثُمَّ أَيٌّ قَالَ ثُمَّ بِرُّ الْوَالِدَيْنِ قُلْتُ ثُمَّ أَيٌّ قَالَ الْجِهَادُ فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ» أخرجه البخاري.
I asked Allah's Apostle, "O Allah's Apostle! What is the best deed?" He replied, "To offer the prayers at their early stated fixed times." I asked, "What is next in goodness?" He replied, "To be good and dutiful to your parents." I further asked, what is next in goodness?" He replied, "To participate in Jihad in Allah's Cause."
No sane and wise husband would prevent his wife from keeping good relations with her parents and blood-relatives and dealing nicely with them and develop relations with them which in turn would result in marital affinity between the couple. Allah (swt) has likened the relations with in-laws to blood relations in His ayaat, He said:
أَلَمْ تَرَ إِلَى رَبِّكَ كَيْفَ مَدَّ الظِّلَّ وَلَوْ شَاءَ لَجَعَلَهُ سَاكِنًا ثُمَّ جَعَلْنَا الشَّمْسَ عَلَيْهِ دَلِيلًا...
"Have you not seen how your Lord spread the shadow. If He willed, He could have made it still - but We have made the sun its guide (i.e. after the sunrise, the shadow shrinks and vanishes at midnoon and then again appears in the afternoon with the decline of the sun, and had there been no sunlight, there would have been no shadow)". [TMQ al-Furqan: 45]
Until He (swt) said:
{وَهُوَ الَّذِي مَرَجَ الْبَحْرَيْنِ هَذَا عَذْبٌ فُرَاتٌ وَهَذَا مِلْحٌ أُجَاجٌ وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَهُمَا بَرْزَخًا وَحِجْرًا مَحْجُورًا * وَهُوَ الَّذِي خَلَقَ مِنَ الْمَاءِ بَشَرًا فَجَعَلَهُ نَسَبًا وَصِهْرًا وَكَانَ رَبُّكَ قَدِيرًا}
"And it is He Who has let free the two seas (kinds of water), this is palatable and sweet, and that is salt and bitter; and He has set a barrier and a complete partition between them. And it is He Who has created man from water, and has appointed for him kindred by blood, and kindred by marriage. And your Lord is Ever All-Powerful to do what He wills.[TMQ al-Furqan: 53,54]
The likening of relations with in-laws to blood-relations is an indication that that each of these relations are to be respected and considered and that each of these reflect the greatness of the Creator and His powers and authority.
This alone is sufficient for wise and sane husband and wife:
{إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لَذِكْرَى لِمَنْ كَانَ لَهُ قَلْبٌ أَوْ أَلْقَى السَّمْعَ وَهُوَ شَهِيدٌ}
"Verily, therein is indeed a reminder for him who has a heart or gives ear while he is heedful". [TMQ Qaf: 37]
And for such people who do not pay heed to this, more of it in detail will also not be enough.
2: As for other questions that are not the core issues but nevertheless are related ones:
A: As for the in-laws and their being a critical issue as serious as death, which is reported in a hadith reported in Bukhari on the authority of ‘Uqbah ibn ‘Aamir:
«إِيَّاكُمْ وَالدُّخُولَ عَلَى النِّسَاءِ فَقَالَ: رَجُلٌ مِنْ الْأَنْصَارِ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ أَفَرَأَيْتَ الْحَمْوَ قَالَ الْحَمْوُ الْمَوْتُ»
Allah's Apostle said, "Beware of entering upon the ladies." A man from the Ansar said, "Allah's Apostle! What about Al-Hamu the in-laws of the wife (the brothers of her husband or his nephews etc.)?" The Prophet replied: The in-laws of the wife are death itself.
This was with respect to a situation where her husband or Mahram is not present and she is in privacy with other in-laws (Hamu) who are not Mahram. The Hamu are those relatives of the husband who are not Mahram to the wife such as his brother or his cousin...as for his father, though linguistically he also is Hamu but is not included in the hadith because he is a Mahram to the wife. Visiting of Al-Hamu with the wife in privacy is likened to death in the hadith which is an indication of the graveness of prohibition.
In a situation where the husband or a Mahram of the wife is also present, there is no objection and the Shara' has permitted it just like meeting blood-relations or meeting over meals, what is prohibited is meeting in privacy. Explaining the above hadith, Ibn Hajar says in al Fatah al Bari:
"... Ibn has added in his narration reported by Muslim that: I heard Laith b. Said as saying: Al-Hamu means the brother of husband or like it from amongst the relatives of the husband, for example, cousin, etc. After reporting this hadith, Tirmidhi comments: "It is said that it pertains to the brother of the husband...he further says: the hadith, as it is reported means that man should not be with a woman in privacy, and when they are in privacy, the third among them is shaytan."
Similarly, there is this hadith concerning those women whose husbands are not present. This is reported in Tirmidhi and Musnad Ahmad on the authority of Jaber ibn ‘Abdullah (r.a) who says that the Prophet (saw) said:
«لَا تَلِجُوا عَلَى الْمُغِيبَاتِ فَإِنَّ الشَّيْطَانَ يَجْرِي مِنْ أَحَدِكُمْ مَجْرَى الدَّمِ»
Do not visit women whose husbands are away from home for the shaytan flows in you like the flow of blood.
Thus the issue of al-Hamu and the prohibition of al-Hamu being in privacy with women pertain to situations where her husband or her Mahram are not present. The prohibition of meeting women at such times when her husband is not present implies that meeting her in privacy the issue here. As for meeting her in the presence of her husband or her Mahram, the relatives of the husband are permitted to visit her. Therefore the strengthening of relations between the man and the family of his wife as well as between the wife and the family of her husband are permitted in accordance with commands of the shari'ah.
B: The abode of the wife is that of her husband where he lives. She should live there with her husband since the home affords her a kind life which her husband can afford to provide her. She is not permitted to dictate to him where to live, rather she should understand his position well as to where to live, but his opinion on the issue is final and she is obliged to live with him where he lives:
{أَسْكِنُوهُنَّ مِنْ حَيْثُ سَكَنْتُمْ مِنْ وُجْدِكُمْ}
"Lodge them (the divorced women) where you dwell, according to your means," [TMQ Talaq: 06]
The ayah concerning the abode of divorced woman during the period of ‘iddah points to her right of being provided a house by the husband who has divorced her, therefore the wives are more deserving of a place of residence. The meaning of the phrase ‘where you live' is the house where one lives, the term ‘where' indicates the house and ‘that which you can afford' indicates what is within ones reach.
As long as she has been provided with a reasonable and secure house in accordance with the shari'ah and which the husband can afford, her demand for divorce on the ground of not being provided a house of her choice, is a matter in contravention of the Shari'ah commands...
C: The husband is prohibited to prevent her from keeping relations with her parents. This is because the man as well as woman is enjoined to sustain their blood relations. This is true not only for the man but for the woman as well since the address is general as includes both man and woman, the Prophet (saw) said:
«لا يدخل الجنة قاطع رحم»
The severer 9of blood kinship) would not enter Paradise. (Narrated in Muslim on the authority of Jubair ibn Mut'im).
‘the one breaks blood relations' is general in the context to prohibition and ‘will not enter paradise' is also general including both the man as well as woman. Therefore, just as maintaining a relation with parents is obligatory on the husband, similarly, sustaining relations with her parents is obligatory on the woman. Thus if the husband will be sinful if he prevents his wife from sustaining relations with her parents. If we notice this, we shall take appropriate administrative action against this.
Therefore it the duty of the husband to facilitate relations between his wife and her parents without compromising her obligations towards her husband and his house. This is perfectly achievable for wise husband and wife who are pious and fearful of Allah (swt) and truthful with His prophet (saw)...
D: As for the Ayat:
{وَأْمُرْ أَهْلَكَ بِالصَّلَاةِ وَاصْطَبِرْ عَلَيْهَا لَا نَسْأَلُكَ رِزْقًا نَحْنُ نَرْزُقُكَ وَالْعَاقِبَةُ لِلتَّقْوَى}
"And enjoin As-Salât (the prayers) on your family, and be patient in offering them [i.e. the Salât (prayers)]. We ask not of you a provision (i.e. to give Us something: money): We provide for you. And the good end (i.e. Paradise) is for the Muttaqûn (the pious). [TMQ Taha: 20: 132].
This means that you and your family engage in praying to Allah (swt) and observing salah and not be concerned with the issue of sustenance and living, We (swt) are your Provider and We do not ask you to feed yourself nor your family, you be concerned with being obedient to Allah (swt) and order your family likewise and be aware that good end is for those who are pious.
Malik has narrated in his Muwatta on the authority of Zaid ibn Aslam who quotes his father that ‘Omar bin Khattab (r.a) used to be engaged in prayers during night time as much as Allah (swt) wanted him to, and he used to wake his family at the end of the night for prayers and would tell them: "Salah, Salah" and would recite this ayah:
{وَأْمُرْ أَهْلَكَ بِالصَّلَاةِ وَاصْطَبِرْ عَلَيْهَا لَا نَسْأَلُكَ رِزْقًا نَحْنُ نَرْزُقُكَ وَالْعَاقِبَةُ لِلتَّقْوَى}
"And enjoin As-Salât (the prayers) on your family, and be patient in offering them [i.e. the Salât (prayers)]. We ask not of you a provision (i.e. to give Us something: money): We provide for you. And the good end (i.e. Paradise) is for the Muttaqûn (the pious). [TMQ Taha: 20: 132].
Allah (swt) mentioned {وَاصْطَبِرْ عَلَيْهَا} and be patient in offering them (i.e. the Salâh) which indicates more severity than (واصبر عليهـا) being merely patient. This indicates more severity and effort in this regard. Man goes through severe patience and hardships in correcting his family and himself distances him from fire and bring him near to action, and Allah (swt) guards the good-doers.
It is pertinent to remind of this ayah:
{يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آَمَنُوا قُوا أَنْفُسَكُمْ وَأَهْلِيكُمْ نَارًا وَقُودُهَا النَّاسُ وَالْحِجَارَةُ عَلَيْهَا مَلَائِكَةٌ غِلَاظٌ شِدَادٌ لَا يَعْصُونَ اللَّهَ مَا أَمَرَهُمْ وَيَفْعَلُونَ مَا يُؤْمَرُون}
"O you who believe! Ward off yourselves and your families against a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones, over which are (appointed) angels stern (and) severe, who disobey not, (from executing) the Commands they receive from Allâh, but do that which they are commanded." [TMQ Tahreem: 06]
Ward off yourselves and your families against a Fire i.e. distance yourself and your family which is your wife and children... by praying to Allah (swt) and enjoin that which is good and forbid that which is bad, and by learning the commands of your deen and teaching the same to your family, and by training and disciplining them in accordance with the Shar'a. Order your family to offer prayers, fasting, zakah, hajj and all the commands of the shari'ah...
Coming back to where I began, I am pained that shabab husbands and wives are so much constrained in their marital relations, and this means that both of them have not cultivated the da'wah and not adopted its ethics, also they have not performed it as it deserves to be, nor they have strengthened it. I fear for da'wah that it may slip after having been established.