The Ideology that Must be Followed in Determining Good Conduct and Bad Conduct is Islam
(Translated)

Disagreement between the parents:

Many parents disagree over determining what is the desired conduct (sulouk) that children must adhere to and what is the unwanted conduct that children should abstain from. Their divergence stems from several bases such as customs, traditions, and the prevailing public opinion, and the systems and laws in force. Or they may stem from their viewpoints of life and their interpretation of good (Khair) and bad (Shar), judging things and actions as good or bad according to their like or dislike for these things and actions, so what they like they describe it as good and what they dislike they describe it as bad.

Or they may base their judgments upon the benefits and harms that befall them, so if benefit came to them from a thing or deed they describe it as good (Hassan) and righteousness, and if a thing or deed brings them harm they describe it as ugly (Qabeeh) and evil. Such rulings are likely to be liable to disparity, differences, contradiction and influenced by the environment and the circumstances.

The impact of these disagreements: Such disagreements between parents affect children negatively, it is injustice that the child to be punished and rewarded for the same conduct. When the mother says something and the father says something else the child gets conflicted because he needs to obtain the approval from both of them, and if he tries to break away from one of them to get closer to the other in order to please him he feels lost and confused for staying away from one of his parents.

The way out of the disagreement circle: because of this there must be a single reference referred to by parents in their judgments and their assessment of the conduct, and this reference is the Qur'an and the Sunnah. What Islam considers a bad conduct it should be considered bad by the parents as well, and what Islam considers it a good conduct it should be considered by the parents good. Islam is the measure (the criterion), which we should refer to in our assessment of the conduct. For we cannot utilize the energies of our children except using the system established for us by our Creator.

Conduct is an interaction between concepts (mafahim) and inclinations (muyool)

Conduct is the result of interaction between concepts and inclinations, and if the parents best reform the concepts and inclinations, then they will inevitably reform the conduct. So, instead of reforming this conduct or that, you should reform what is beyond the conduct of concepts and inclinations. And before you reform the concepts and inclinations of your child reform your own concepts and inclinations for you are a role model for your child and what he sees in you will imbue him.

Concepts are thoughts whose reality is comprehended by the mind, and therefore man have faith in them, believe them and they affect his conduct. Whereas, inclinations are formed by the association of the drives with concepts. Such as quarrels that occur among children, for Muslim abusing his Muslim brother is an aggression and is haram by the saying of the Prophet (saw):

«سباب المسلم فسوق وقتاله كفر»

“Abusing the Muslim is Fusuq (an aggression) and fighting him is disbelief.”

Therefore, if the son learns that his fighting with his fellow brothers and abusing them is haram then he has a concept.

Whereas inclination to dislike quarrel is established by the association of the concept with the drive. Children have multiple drives that motivate them, such as the strength or the courage drive, so the concept of prohibition of quarrels is associated with the strength drive, by establishing that strength is not in the muscle-flexing in front of friends and colleagues, instead strength is in the control of anger and not faltering to do a prohibited act which brings assault and injustice to others. The Prophet (saw) said:

لَيْسَ الشَّدِيدُ بِالصُّرَعَةِ، إِنَّمَا الشَّدِيدُ الَّذِي يَمْلِكُ نَفْسَهُ عِنْدَ الْغَضَبِ»

“The strong man is not one who is good at wrestling, but the strong man is one who controls himself in a fit of rage.”

Emanation of concepts and inclinations from a single basis: Here we should pay attention to our concepts and inclinations that they should emanate from a single basis, in order to establish in ourselves a distinct personality, thereby children know how to deal with it. So, if a person’s concepts and inclinations come from Islam, his personality becomes an Islamic personality; it sees one conduct being Halal (permissible) so he likes it, and sees another conduct being Haram (forbidden) so he dislikes it.

Why? Because he made Islam a source for judging the conduct as Halal and Haram, and has taken Islam as a source of the type of feelings such as like and dislike. So, whatever Islam has commanded you should do it, even if you dislike it or it brings harm. Allah (swt) says:

(كُتِبَ عَلَيْكُمُ الْقِتَالُ وَهُوَ كُرْهٌ لَّكُمْ وَعَسَى أَن تَكْرَهُواْ شَيْئًا وَهُوَ خَيْرٌ لَّكُمْ وَعَسَى أَن تُحِبُّواْ شَيْئًا وَهُوَ شَرٌّ لَّكُمْ وَاللّهُ يَعْلَمُ وَأَنتُمْ لاَ تَعْلَمُونَ)

“Fighting has been enjoined upon you while it is hateful to you. But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.” [Al-Baqarah: 216]

And whatever Islam has prohibited you should refrain from it, even if it has some benefits. Allah (swt) says:

(يَسْأَلُونَكَ عَنِ الْخَمْرِ وَالْمَيْسِرِ قُلْ فِيهِمَا إِثْمٌ كَبِيرٌ وَمَنَافِعُ لِلنَّاسِ وَإِثْمُهُمَآ أَكْبَرُ مِن نَّفْعِهِمَا)

“They ask you about wine and gambling. Say, ‘In them is great sin and [yet, some] benefit for people. But their sin is greater than their benefit.’” [Al-Baqarah: 219].

Therefore, inclinations must be controlled and directed the right direction, regulated by the provisions of Islam. The Messenger of Allah (saw) said:

«لَا يُؤْمِنُ أَحَدُكُمْ حَتَّى يَكُونَ هَوَاهُ تَبَعًا لِمَا جِئْتُ بِهِ»

“No one of you has true Iman unless his inclinations are in accordance with what I brought.” (Narrated and authenticated by Abu Na'im and Nasr ibn Ibrahim al-Maqdisi, and authenticated by An-Nawawi); hence, parents should have their thoughts, feelings, concepts and inclinations emanating from Islam and its provisions so that their child realizes what pleases them and what angers them, so he knows how to well treat them.

However, if the parent concepts are in a valley and their inclinations in another, their personality would have no colour or taste; a confused hesitant personality. And this in turn is reflected on the children, so they will be confused in dealing with their parents. Their knowledge of their parents' reactions will be vague so they will be puzzled and disordered. But if they know that Islam is the source of their judgments and feelings then they will believe in the validity of the conduct rules set by their parents, and they will trust them and will be keen to abide by them and not opposing them.

Written for the Central Media Office of Hizb ut Tahrir by
Najah Sabateen